Poll: Women Keep Smokin' To Keep Thin

This week is the annual American Cancer Society Great American Smokeout. So expect to hear a lot of gobbly guck about how bad smokin' is fer ya. This is like Christmas to them heath nuts.

Makes me sick.

I am so tired of hearin' about how terrible smokin' is fer ya. Nobody ever talks about the real benefits of tobacco and smokin'. It's all lung cancer this and emphysimia that. Blah blah blah. What about the economic benefits? What about the health benefits? What about all the great advances big tobacco companies (like my beloved Liardare Tobacco)?

In the words of legendary 1990's philosopher Susan Powder, "Stop the Insanity."

So, to counter act this so-called Smokeout, I'm gonna provide y'all with a little bit of truth. Truth you won't read elsewhere (except on the news sites that originally post the stories I link to).

Take this story fer example. It's from the Earth Times, which sounds like a very important name fer a newspaper. Accordin' to the story a new poll out shows women are afriad to quit smokin' because they might gain weight.

The study was done by a lil' phillie named Cindy Pomerleau who's some sort of book worm at the University of Michigan. Apparently she's done a whole bunch of research on the topic. Her work is great, but unfortunately it looks like the health nuts got to her too. All of her conclusions are of the "smokin' is bad fer ya" ilk.

Consider a couple of things Pomerleau found:

• 75 percent of women smokers were unwillin' to gain more than 2.25 kg if they quit smokin'


• Nearly 50 percent were unwillin' to gain any weight at all


• While there are many reasons why some women don't quit smokin', fear of weight-gain is high on the list


• many women began smokin' because they believed it would help 'em stay thin

Ya see folks nicotine is a natural appetite suppressant. That means smokin' makes it so y'all ain't hungry. Some folks also say smokin' burns 200 calories per day. Of course much of the same thing could be said about heroin but never mind that.

So at the end of the day, y'all can jump on yer treadmills or yer stair masters or - if yer smart like me - y'all can just light up six or eight packs of unfiltered goodness. Same difference. Besides if yer smokin' six or eight packs a day, then a treadmill or StairMaster is probably the last place in the world y'all want to be.

Now I think this is really an opportunity that we're missin' here. Tobacco should begin marketin' itself and cross brandin' with the diet industry. Just imagine it: Slim Fast Lights, Atkins 100's, South Beach Signature Blends. Trust me folks I am on to somethin' here and my friends in big tobacco ought to be payin' attention.

There's an obesity epidemic in this country and big tobacco can be part of the solution. Offer fat kids cigarettes. Yer a new mom tryin' to loose weight, here's a free pack of Lucky's. There's lots of stuff like that we could do.

Why are we, as an industry, cedin' the heath argument to health groups? Just cause the got doctors and research and credentials and science and common sense and such don't mean they need to win that part of the debate.

Besides, you know what we got that they ain't got? A big pile of money. And if we got to spend every last dime to convince people that smokin' can be fun and healthy then we sure ought to!