Poll: Women Keep Smokin' To Keep Thin

This week is the annual American Cancer Society Great American Smokeout. So expect to hear a lot of gobbly guck about how bad smokin' is fer ya. This is like Christmas to them heath nuts.

Makes me sick.

I am so tired of hearin' about how terrible smokin' is fer ya. Nobody ever talks about the real benefits of tobacco and smokin'. It's all lung cancer this and emphysimia that. Blah blah blah. What about the economic benefits? What about the health benefits? What about all the great advances big tobacco companies (like my beloved Liardare Tobacco)?

In the words of legendary 1990's philosopher Susan Powder, "Stop the Insanity."

So, to counter act this so-called Smokeout, I'm gonna provide y'all with a little bit of truth. Truth you won't read elsewhere (except on the news sites that originally post the stories I link to).

Take this story fer example. It's from the Earth Times, which sounds like a very important name fer a newspaper. Accordin' to the story a new poll out shows women are afriad to quit smokin' because they might gain weight.

The study was done by a lil' phillie named Cindy Pomerleau who's some sort of book worm at the University of Michigan. Apparently she's done a whole bunch of research on the topic. Her work is great, but unfortunately it looks like the health nuts got to her too. All of her conclusions are of the "smokin' is bad fer ya" ilk.

Consider a couple of things Pomerleau found:

• 75 percent of women smokers were unwillin' to gain more than 2.25 kg if they quit smokin'


• Nearly 50 percent were unwillin' to gain any weight at all


• While there are many reasons why some women don't quit smokin', fear of weight-gain is high on the list


• many women began smokin' because they believed it would help 'em stay thin

Ya see folks nicotine is a natural appetite suppressant. That means smokin' makes it so y'all ain't hungry. Some folks also say smokin' burns 200 calories per day. Of course much of the same thing could be said about heroin but never mind that.

So at the end of the day, y'all can jump on yer treadmills or yer stair masters or - if yer smart like me - y'all can just light up six or eight packs of unfiltered goodness. Same difference. Besides if yer smokin' six or eight packs a day, then a treadmill or StairMaster is probably the last place in the world y'all want to be.

Now I think this is really an opportunity that we're missin' here. Tobacco should begin marketin' itself and cross brandin' with the diet industry. Just imagine it: Slim Fast Lights, Atkins 100's, South Beach Signature Blends. Trust me folks I am on to somethin' here and my friends in big tobacco ought to be payin' attention.

There's an obesity epidemic in this country and big tobacco can be part of the solution. Offer fat kids cigarettes. Yer a new mom tryin' to loose weight, here's a free pack of Lucky's. There's lots of stuff like that we could do.

Why are we, as an industry, cedin' the heath argument to health groups? Just cause the got doctors and research and credentials and science and common sense and such don't mean they need to win that part of the debate.

Besides, you know what we got that they ain't got? A big pile of money. And if we got to spend every last dime to convince people that smokin' can be fun and healthy then we sure ought to!

I Hate Disney and the answer to smokin' in the youth market

Lemme tell y'all somethin'.

Dinsey ain't nothin' but a bunch of yellow-bellied cowards. How dare they smite the artistic creativity of creative types by not allowin' smokin' in their kiddie cartoons!?! This is just a complete outrage. And lemme tell y'all somethin' else, I ain't takin' this lyin' down.

In case y'all hadn't heard, the House of Mouse made the big announcement that smokin' will be outlawed in all their family type features. Plus, as if that ain't enough, smokin' will be discouraged in all their films from the Touchstone and Miramax brands. Still worse, they'll be featurin' anti-smokin' PSAs on all movies and DVDs where the characters light up. Ya can read the full article here.

The words beyond the pale seem to fit nicely.

Worth notin' that about 10 years ago Disney digitally removed smokin' from some of their old cartoons includin' the Pecos Bill segment in Melody Time. Ya'll can see the before and after photos to the left.

I stole that image off a really good article on the cartoon at 2719 Hyperion. Y'all can view the original post here.

Disney may think they're doin' the right thing but this is actually the complete wrong approach if they want to discourage the youth market...I mean....kids (sorry, old habits die hard) from lightin' up. And, in all sincerity the smokin' version of Pecos Bill is much more appropriate fer today's kids fer two reasons.

First, Pecos Bill is a cowboy. Look at a calendar people, its 2007! What kid wants to be a cowboy today? Maybe some looser kids in Oklahoma or somethin', but cowboys have no Ipods, no Nintendo WII, no Facebook, no MySpace, they work fer a livin' doin' manual labor all day long, and they spend lots of time outdoors.

Name two kids who'd want to be like that guy. I betcha can't.

So if smokin' is sooooo evil, then - by yer logic - ain't havin' a looser like Pecos Bill, puffin' away, a good thing? I mean, kids don't want to be Pecos Bill and Pecos Bill smokes. Logic people, if P then Q.

My second reason is part of a much larger argument.

Hey people, kids smoke. Kids have always smoked, kids are always gonna smoke. The more we try to prevent kids from smokin', the more we try to take it out of the social mainstream, the more attractive we actually make smokin' fer kids. Think about that one health types.

If ya truly want to make smokin' not cool, or hip, or groovy, or whatever they say nowadays, here's the one thing that sure to work.

Teach it in the schools.

I mean it. Its a radical idea but very progressive if y'all think about it. Mandate that kids must spend no less than 45 minutes a day smokin'. Ya can talk about the history of tobacco in the USA so there's social studies, economics and marketin' lessons. There's the chemistry curriculum in teachin' kids all the natural goodness that goes into makin' a smooth tastin' unfiltered product. Ya can replace gym, savin' school districts money(because after smokin' fer 45 minutes the kids won't be able to run anyway). Also, smokin' helps ya keep the weight off, so yer combatin' childhood obesity and reducin' kids risk of many chonic diseases.

This plan would teach kids valuable lessons and improve their long term health.

And fer ya anti-smokin' types, if ya tell kids they have to do somethin' they'll develop a negative attitude toward it right? Well, there y'all go. After being told to smoke in the schools fer say 12 years or so, I'm sure a certain portion of the market...uh....kids will opt not to continue smokin'. This just seems like the more natural way to do things.

Heck, I'm sure my ol' buddies at Liardare would be willin' to make special brands just fer the kiddies like tooty fruity or chocolate or...oh wait that's been done...we'll we'd figure somethin' out fer y'all.

Anyway, that's the best answer I've heard and trust me, after workin' at a tobacco company all those years we spent a lot of time talkin' about kids.

Silly Ol' Camel: Cigs Are Fer Docs!

Y'all know somethin'.

It just makes me ill to see how the good folks at Camel are havin' their name dragged through the mud right know about them flavored cigarettes ....uh... I mean.... Signature Blends. Accusations are a flyin', states are talkin' about bannin' certain types of smokes and the Feds in Washington might start regulatin' us.

Just terrible and so completely unnecessary.

Fer example, Camel is takin' a beatin' right now, but they have a long history of bein' completely honest with the public about their products and their marketin'. I mean just take a look at this little gem from the good ol' days, before all the doctors in the world got so uppity about stuff like health.

How can anyone look at that ad and say the Feds ought to be buttin' in. I don't get it!?!

Altria-istic and Moralistic

Came across this golden oldie from the legendary head of R&D at Philip Morris (now Altria fer those of y'all keepin' score at home), Dr. Helmut Wakeham.



We need more fellers like this who ain't afraid to tell it like it is.

Here Wakeham says that if cigarettes were harmful Philip Morris would quit the business of sellin' cigarettes (a silly thing to promise but it placates them health types I suppose).

Also says Phillip Morris is a moralistic company (although I supposed they'd now be an Altria-istic company fer those of y'all keepin' score at home). Dr. Wakeham also explains there is a great deal of doubt on whether cigarettes are harmful.

I know I fer one doubt that there can be any harm at all in lightin' up a smooth, rich, Liardare Carolina 100. And if that's good enough fer me, should be good enough fer y'all too.

FDA FDSchmay...Smokin' is good fer Pregnant Moms

Ya might have heard there's a bunch of hub bub about whether or not the Feds at the FDA should be regulatin' tobacco companies.

Apparently -surprise surprise - them Free Tobacco fer Kids Campaign fellers are pushin' this nonsense. Of course other mamby pamby health types are in the mix too. They've got a bunch of newspapers callin' fer federal regulations as well here here here and here.

Shameful. I say FDA FDSchmay. Tobacco companies can police themselves. Look at what a good job we done with flavored cigarettes this week. And we've been makin' pledges fer years about our cigarettes.

Fer example take a lookey at this clip from 1971 where then Philip Morris CEO Joseph Cullman vows to take any ingredients found to be dangerous out of cigarettes. He also assures pregnant moms that smokin' is safe and - rightly - points out that cigarettes can actually be good fer moms as some women prefer smaller babies.



Why on Earth would anybody be suggestin' we need Federal regulatin'? Just don't make no sense to me.

I Told Ya So!!! Smokin' Saves Lives!!!

Friends, smokers, fellow addict...uh...customers of Liardare Tobacco Company. Today is the story we've been waitin' fer all our lives. Today is a red letter day. Today is the day we all here at the Big Tobacco Blog can give a big Yee Haw.

There is now proof that smokin' saves lives.

Let me say that again, just to make sure y'all got it.

There is now proof that smokin' SAVES LIVES. Take that pinko health nuts!

Accordin' to the Associated Press, Brenda Corner of Rock Hill, South Carolina was fixin' to have a cigarette after finishin' the dishes. She steps out side, lights up and blamo baby an 80 foot oak crashes through her kitchen.

Reportedly Brenda told her husband "Honey, I know you fuss at me for smokin'. But today it saved my life." She then coughed up a lung, demanded oxygen and collapsed.

Okay that last part didn't happen, I thought I'd just make the obvious joke you health types would, to cut y'all off. See, ol' Rufus is one step up on you fellers. So there.

Now the important question which ain't asked is...what brand of cigarette was she smokin'? Because clearly that company has stumbled onto something and designed a product to protect people from fallin' trees. And I think that surgeon general feller in Washington needs to get off his ol' duff and call for an immediate redesign of cigarette warnings. Change it to somethin' like..."Cigarettes may or may not cause health problems (but they probably don't) but they will protect you from 80 foot oak trees." I could live with that.

Another thing, people made such a fuss a few months back when it was found that big tobacco companies were changing the "so called" addictive properties of cigarettes to make 'em more potent. Well here again health nuts you wrong as wrong can be. If they hadn't monkeyed with the nicotine levels, poor ol' Brenda's nic fit might not have hit at just the moment she was about to be introduced to Alvin and the Chipmunks deluxe condo. One microbe less dioxin in that smoke and she'd be dead as Dillinger right now. I suppose that'd make you health types real happy huh!?!

Well not me baby. I'm glad to know that I live in a world where adjustments in the levels of cigarette chemica....uh...wholesome ingredients can result in people being protected from giant fallin' future reams of paper.

So there it is folks, brought to y'all by the Big Tobacco Blog, irrefutable proof that smokin' saves lives!

YEEEE HAAAAWWWW!