Friends, smokers, fellow addict...uh...customers of Liardare Tobacco Company. Today is the story we've been waitin' fer all our lives. Today is a red letter day. Today is the day we all here at the Big Tobacco Blog can give a big Yee Haw.
There is now proof that smokin' saves lives.
Let me say that again, just to make sure y'all got it.
There is now proof that smokin' SAVES LIVES. Take that pinko health nuts!
Accordin' to the Associated Press, Brenda Corner of Rock Hill, South Carolina was fixin' to have a cigarette after finishin' the dishes. She steps out side, lights up and blamo baby an 80 foot oak crashes through her kitchen.
Reportedly Brenda told her husband "Honey, I know you fuss at me for smokin'. But today it saved my life." She then coughed up a lung, demanded oxygen and collapsed.
Okay that last part didn't happen, I thought I'd just make the obvious joke you health types would, to cut y'all off. See, ol' Rufus is one step up on you fellers. So there.
Now the important question which ain't asked is...what brand of cigarette was she smokin'? Because clearly that company has stumbled onto something and designed a product to protect people from fallin' trees. And I think that surgeon general feller in Washington needs to get off his ol' duff and call for an immediate redesign of cigarette warnings. Change it to somethin' like..."Cigarettes may or may not cause health problems (but they probably don't) but they will protect you from 80 foot oak trees." I could live with that.
Another thing, people made such a fuss a few months back when it was found that big tobacco companies were changing the "so called" addictive properties of cigarettes to make 'em more potent. Well here again health nuts you wrong as wrong can be. If they hadn't monkeyed with the nicotine levels, poor ol' Brenda's nic fit might not have hit at just the moment she was about to be introduced to Alvin and the Chipmunks deluxe condo. One microbe less dioxin in that smoke and she'd be dead as Dillinger right now. I suppose that'd make you health types real happy huh!?!
Well not me baby. I'm glad to know that I live in a world where adjustments in the levels of cigarette chemica....uh...wholesome ingredients can result in people being protected from giant fallin' future reams of paper.
So there it is folks, brought to y'all by the Big Tobacco Blog, irrefutable proof that smokin' saves lives!
YEEEE HAAAAWWWW!
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