Howdy y'all.
Did ya ever read somethin', take action, and then find out you read the dad blamed thing wrong. I stumbled across this story today about Loews makin' big profits on tobacco. And y'all know me, profits and tobacco are my two favorite words.
Now I see Loews commercials on TV all the time. Think they got Gene Hackman doin' their announcin'. Nice feller, made a better Lex Luther than the guy from Seven. But I'm gettin' off track.
I read the story and got all excited about Loews investin' in cigarettes. Sure I bought the occasional shovel from 'em or here and there some pete moss, but I never knew they was one of the good guys. Who knew Loews made cigarettes? I mean it ain't in their fliers or nothin'.
So I hoped in my nicotine scented white and gold SUV and hauled my way over to the local home improvement big box store to pick up somethin'...anythin' just to show my support for another big tobacco company.
Make a short story long, I mosey up to the counter with a trowel, two piece of ceramic tile, and a roll of plumbers tape. The checkout gal asks me if there's anythin' else I need.
"Yes mam," I replied. "I just want to say that I am proud that yer company is makin' and sellin' cigarettes, and I support yer efforts 100 percent."
The little lady looked at me kind of funny and stated "I'm sorry sir we don't sell cigarettes."
To which I responded, "You don't!?! Well hell's bells chicky you oughter, accordin' to the story I just read Loews profits just rose 26 percent off its cigarette lines. You should be sellin' cigarettes from floor to ceilin', you should be givin' 'em away with the power tools."
I continued on with my strong business argument on why Loews should embrace their tobacco heritage and sell, sell, sell, 'till the cows come home. After about 5 minutes or so the people behind me started fussin' so I figured it was time to move on.
Everyone was lookin' at me like I grew a third eye er somethin'. Well it wasn't until I got home that I figured out why. Apparently there's two Loews. There's Loews the owner of Lorillard tobacco company and then there's Lowe's the home improvement store. Much to my chagrin they're two different companies all together.
Wish I'd read that article more closely before I got to the store. Anybody need a trowel, two piece of ceramic tile, or a roll of plumbers tape?
Monday, April 30, 2007
Friday, April 27, 2007
Shucks - Tobacco Ad Spendin' Down
After a few days on the road, we're back at the Big Tobacco Blog. Hope y'all missed us.
It's a dangerous thing, goin' on the road. I'm off fer just a couple days and all of the sudden we get this terrible news. It seems the good ol' boys of my chosen profession have seen fit to decrease the amount of money we're dishin' out fer marketin' and advertisin'. Shameful boys just shameful.
Accordin' to some Washington fellers from the Federal Trade Commission tobacco marketin' dropped by nearly two billion - that's billion with a "b" - dollars from the year 2004 to 2005. I ain't happy about this son!
Of course before I get two worked up, we gotta keep a couple of important points in mind that we all can take comfort in. First while tobacco spendin' is down, we still spent $13.1 billion dollars - that's billion with a "B" on marketin' in '05. So it's kind a like flickin' a small piece of ash off the end of a smooth rich Liardare Carolina 100. It may make that 100 a bit smaller but its still a whole lot a cigarette to smoke.
Also, it ain't like we gotta worry about competition from anti-smokin' types. At times it may seem like y'all see lots of "don't smoke this, don't smoke that" commercials on TV but really states are only spending pennies on the dollar to counteract that $13.1 billion with a "b". Accordin' to this report the ratio of tobacco marketin' to state counter spendin' in 2006 was estimated 28 to 1. And boy, I like them odds.
Well, I gotta say, after sortin' beyond the headline I feel a might better now. And just to finish off yer week on the right note, take a lookey at this great ad fer Kent Cigarettes that tells us all it's a small world after all.
It's a dangerous thing, goin' on the road. I'm off fer just a couple days and all of the sudden we get this terrible news. It seems the good ol' boys of my chosen profession have seen fit to decrease the amount of money we're dishin' out fer marketin' and advertisin'. Shameful boys just shameful.
Accordin' to some Washington fellers from the Federal Trade Commission tobacco marketin' dropped by nearly two billion - that's billion with a "b" - dollars from the year 2004 to 2005. I ain't happy about this son!
Of course before I get two worked up, we gotta keep a couple of important points in mind that we all can take comfort in. First while tobacco spendin' is down, we still spent $13.1 billion dollars - that's billion with a "B" on marketin' in '05. So it's kind a like flickin' a small piece of ash off the end of a smooth rich Liardare Carolina 100. It may make that 100 a bit smaller but its still a whole lot a cigarette to smoke.
Also, it ain't like we gotta worry about competition from anti-smokin' types. At times it may seem like y'all see lots of "don't smoke this, don't smoke that" commercials on TV but really states are only spending pennies on the dollar to counteract that $13.1 billion with a "b". Accordin' to this report the ratio of tobacco marketin' to state counter spendin' in 2006 was estimated 28 to 1. And boy, I like them odds.
Well, I gotta say, after sortin' beyond the headline I feel a might better now. And just to finish off yer week on the right note, take a lookey at this great ad fer Kent Cigarettes that tells us all it's a small world after all.
Monday, April 23, 2007
New Hampshire Paper Gets it Right!
Kudos from the Big Tobacco Blog to Forster's Daily Democrat in Dover, New Hampshire fer gettin' it right. The paper has a brilliant editorial out this mornin' on smokin' bans and why there's just plain no excuse fer 'em.
Here's a great quote fer y'all where they liken exposin' yer employees to the more than 4000 toxic chemic...uh...natural flavors found in secondhand smoke to servin' a mean Pad Thai.
"...there is nothing sacred about working in or eating at a particular restaurant or bar. There are plenty of them throughout the state. Some even specialize. There are places for pizza and steaks. There are restaurants that specialize in ethnic foods — Greek, Chinese or Thai. Some places only serve subs and wraps. Others offer seven course meals to die for. And some allow smoking while others don't"
Y'all see. Smokin' adds ambiance. It's just the same as specializin' in havin' Baklava er Lo Mein. And, as the paper wrote, some offer meals to die fer...and if Foster's has it's way, that'll include staff.
Well what you may ask does Foster's say about the health dangers of smokin' and secondhand smoke? Wisely, nothin'! There ain't none, at least none worth talkin' about in an editorial. The words secondhand, cancer, disease, lung and heart never appear in the story. Instead they focus on the smell of smoke and the stains it can cause in clothes.
And let me tell all y'all editorial writers somethin', that is THE BEST way to deal with the health concerns about smokin'...DON'T DEAL WITH 'EM. Ignore 'em they'll go away. Trust me on this, we've done the research. The less you talk about things like cancer, heart disease, high blood pressure and secondhand smoke the better it is fer everybody.
So kudos to you Foster's Daily Democrat in Dover, New Hampshire. You're a bold visionary offern' a template for an editorial that every newspaper in the country should be usin'.
Here's a great quote fer y'all where they liken exposin' yer employees to the more than 4000 toxic chemic...uh...natural flavors found in secondhand smoke to servin' a mean Pad Thai.
"...there is nothing sacred about working in or eating at a particular restaurant or bar. There are plenty of them throughout the state. Some even specialize. There are places for pizza and steaks. There are restaurants that specialize in ethnic foods — Greek, Chinese or Thai. Some places only serve subs and wraps. Others offer seven course meals to die for. And some allow smoking while others don't"
Y'all see. Smokin' adds ambiance. It's just the same as specializin' in havin' Baklava er Lo Mein. And, as the paper wrote, some offer meals to die fer...and if Foster's has it's way, that'll include staff.
Well what you may ask does Foster's say about the health dangers of smokin' and secondhand smoke? Wisely, nothin'! There ain't none, at least none worth talkin' about in an editorial. The words secondhand, cancer, disease, lung and heart never appear in the story. Instead they focus on the smell of smoke and the stains it can cause in clothes.
And let me tell all y'all editorial writers somethin', that is THE BEST way to deal with the health concerns about smokin'...DON'T DEAL WITH 'EM. Ignore 'em they'll go away. Trust me on this, we've done the research. The less you talk about things like cancer, heart disease, high blood pressure and secondhand smoke the better it is fer everybody.
So kudos to you Foster's Daily Democrat in Dover, New Hampshire. You're a bold visionary offern' a template for an editorial that every newspaper in the country should be usin'.
Friday, April 20, 2007
One thing I know: Kids Dig Penguins
I recently went to the Georgia Aquarium. Neat place, lots of fish. Got in trouble for droppin' a line in the Beluga tank but that's a story fer another time.
At any rate, I noticed that them kiddies was all lined up to see the penguins. Don't know what kids like about penguins but I promise ya they're grape ape crazy about the little buggers. Trust me we've done the research.
Well if yer a parent have I got a treat fer you baby! Happy Friday from the Big Tobacco Blog. Go pick up lil' Jimmy or Johnnie or Jenny and park 'em in front of the computer for this. Sit back, relax, fire up a Liardare Carolina 100 and let my friend Puffy the Penguin tell you how your kids can be KOOL!
<
Yup clean as a breath of fresh air baby!
At any rate, I noticed that them kiddies was all lined up to see the penguins. Don't know what kids like about penguins but I promise ya they're grape ape crazy about the little buggers. Trust me we've done the research.
Well if yer a parent have I got a treat fer you baby! Happy Friday from the Big Tobacco Blog. Go pick up lil' Jimmy or Johnnie or Jenny and park 'em in front of the computer for this. Sit back, relax, fire up a Liardare Carolina 100 and let my friend Puffy the Penguin tell you how your kids can be KOOL!
<
Yup clean as a breath of fresh air baby!
Thursday, April 19, 2007
I Told Ya So!!! Smokin' Saves Lives!!!
Friends, smokers, fellow addict...uh...customers of Liardare Tobacco Company. Today is the story we've been waitin' fer all our lives. Today is a red letter day. Today is the day we all here at the Big Tobacco Blog can give a big Yee Haw.
There is now proof that smokin' saves lives.
Let me say that again, just to make sure y'all got it.
There is now proof that smokin' SAVES LIVES. Take that pinko health nuts!
Accordin' to the Associated Press, Brenda Corner of Rock Hill, South Carolina was fixin' to have a cigarette after finishin' the dishes. She steps out side, lights up and blamo baby an 80 foot oak crashes through her kitchen.
Reportedly Brenda told her husband "Honey, I know you fuss at me for smokin'. But today it saved my life." She then coughed up a lung, demanded oxygen and collapsed.
Okay that last part didn't happen, I thought I'd just make the obvious joke you health types would, to cut y'all off. See, ol' Rufus is one step up on you fellers. So there.
Now the important question which ain't asked is...what brand of cigarette was she smokin'? Because clearly that company has stumbled onto something and designed a product to protect people from fallin' trees. And I think that surgeon general feller in Washington needs to get off his ol' duff and call for an immediate redesign of cigarette warnings. Change it to somethin' like..."Cigarettes may or may not cause health problems (but they probably don't) but they will protect you from 80 foot oak trees." I could live with that.
Another thing, people made such a fuss a few months back when it was found that big tobacco companies were changing the "so called" addictive properties of cigarettes to make 'em more potent. Well here again health nuts you wrong as wrong can be. If they hadn't monkeyed with the nicotine levels, poor ol' Brenda's nic fit might not have hit at just the moment she was about to be introduced to Alvin and the Chipmunks deluxe condo. One microbe less dioxin in that smoke and she'd be dead as Dillinger right now. I suppose that'd make you health types real happy huh!?!
Well not me baby. I'm glad to know that I live in a world where adjustments in the levels of cigarette chemica....uh...wholesome ingredients can result in people being protected from giant fallin' future reams of paper.
So there it is folks, brought to y'all by the Big Tobacco Blog, irrefutable proof that smokin' saves lives!
YEEEE HAAAAWWWW!
There is now proof that smokin' saves lives.
Let me say that again, just to make sure y'all got it.
There is now proof that smokin' SAVES LIVES. Take that pinko health nuts!
Accordin' to the Associated Press, Brenda Corner of Rock Hill, South Carolina was fixin' to have a cigarette after finishin' the dishes. She steps out side, lights up and blamo baby an 80 foot oak crashes through her kitchen.
Reportedly Brenda told her husband "Honey, I know you fuss at me for smokin'. But today it saved my life." She then coughed up a lung, demanded oxygen and collapsed.
Okay that last part didn't happen, I thought I'd just make the obvious joke you health types would, to cut y'all off. See, ol' Rufus is one step up on you fellers. So there.
Now the important question which ain't asked is...what brand of cigarette was she smokin'? Because clearly that company has stumbled onto something and designed a product to protect people from fallin' trees. And I think that surgeon general feller in Washington needs to get off his ol' duff and call for an immediate redesign of cigarette warnings. Change it to somethin' like..."Cigarettes may or may not cause health problems (but they probably don't) but they will protect you from 80 foot oak trees." I could live with that.
Another thing, people made such a fuss a few months back when it was found that big tobacco companies were changing the "so called" addictive properties of cigarettes to make 'em more potent. Well here again health nuts you wrong as wrong can be. If they hadn't monkeyed with the nicotine levels, poor ol' Brenda's nic fit might not have hit at just the moment she was about to be introduced to Alvin and the Chipmunks deluxe condo. One microbe less dioxin in that smoke and she'd be dead as Dillinger right now. I suppose that'd make you health types real happy huh!?!
Well not me baby. I'm glad to know that I live in a world where adjustments in the levels of cigarette chemica....uh...wholesome ingredients can result in people being protected from giant fallin' future reams of paper.
So there it is folks, brought to y'all by the Big Tobacco Blog, irrefutable proof that smokin' saves lives!
YEEEE HAAAAWWWW!
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
A Classic: You've Come Along Way Baby!
Here's another chestnut from the good ol' days when you could call a gal baby without worryin' about gettin' slapped in the mush. Looky how happy this little filly is with her Virginia Slims. Course not as happy as she be firin' up a smooth, refreshing, cool, Liardare Carolina 100 but whatcha gonna do.
Enjoy!
Enjoy!
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
News Round-Up fer Tuesday
Mornin' everybody.
Well the good folks at RJ Reynolds are bein' forced to cough up - no pun intended - $2 billion for that silly MSA thingy. One can only hope their new pink ribbon cigarette will make up some of that lost money. Good luck boys we're a rootin' fer ya here at the Big Tobacco Blog.
On the positive side, the North Carolina legislature is waterin' down their proposed smokin' ban. The law would now only cover bars where adults are allowed. Wait a second here, does that mean all those bars for kids will have to become smoke-free. That's an outrage!
Speakin' of outrages, Ohio is eliminatin' all smokin' in bars and restaurants on May 1. Similar to yesterday's prediction about casinos, I predict that every bar and restaurant will close just as they did in New York and California.
Well the good folks at RJ Reynolds are bein' forced to cough up - no pun intended - $2 billion for that silly MSA thingy. One can only hope their new pink ribbon cigarette will make up some of that lost money. Good luck boys we're a rootin' fer ya here at the Big Tobacco Blog.
On the positive side, the North Carolina legislature is waterin' down their proposed smokin' ban. The law would now only cover bars where adults are allowed. Wait a second here, does that mean all those bars for kids will have to become smoke-free. That's an outrage!
Speakin' of outrages, Ohio is eliminatin' all smokin' in bars and restaurants on May 1. Similar to yesterday's prediction about casinos, I predict that every bar and restaurant will close just as they did in New York and California.
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